Wing Worries: My cousin has a stalker – and I feel powerless

Our ‘agony aunt’ Georgia offers advice on personal problems 

Q Last week I had a phone call with my sister and she told me our younger cousin thinks she may have a stalker. A man keeps coming into her workplace asking for her, hanging around, and making her feel uncomfortable and unsafe.

Hearing that left me feeling angry, frustrated, worried, and helpless. All I could do was offer reassurance over the phone and hope she stays safe.

It really brought home the reality of being in prison. There are times when prison just feels like routine and getting through each day, but moments like this make the punishment feel very real. Someone I care about may be in a difficult situation and I cannot be there for her.

If I was not in prison, I might be able to support my cousin. Instead, I am stuck listening from a distance while feeling powerless to do anything useful.

The irony is hard to ignore. I am in prison in the name of protecting the public, yet because I am here, I cannot protect someone in my own family who feels unsafe because of another person’s behaviour.

Moments like this make you realise the real emotional cost of prison and the impact it has on families as well as prisoners themselves.

A Thank you for your letter. It is understandable that hearing about a situation like this involving a family member would bring up feelings of frustration, worry, and helplessness for you. Being separated from loved ones while in custody can make situations feel even more difficult, particularly when you would normally see yourself as someone who would be able to offer practical support and reassurance.

It is also understandable that your family may be feeling anxious or unsettled by what has been happening.

You could perhaps consider sharing with your family members that where there are concerns around unwanted attention or possible stalking behaviour they should keep a written record of incidents, including dates, times, locations, descriptions of behaviour, and any witnesses where possible. Concerns can then be reported to the appropriate authorities, such as the police or workplace management, so that the situation can be properly monitored and assessed. That said, if at any point your cousin feels at risk of immediate harm she must not hesitate to call 999.

You may also wish to encourage your family, and anyone else impacted by your detention, to seek additional support for themselves. Organisations such as AFFECT and the Prisoners’ Families Helpline can offer emotional support, practical advice, and guidance for families affected by imprisonment and related stress.

I just want to tell him I care

Q I’m not really sure where to start with my problem. It’s really getting me down.

Last year, while serving a prison sentence, I formed a relationship with another prisoner. What started as friendship became something much deeper. We connected through our shared interests and life experiences. We genuinely understood each other beyond our mistakes and made each other happy in our difficult circumstances.

Since then, things have gone so wrong. I was released for a short period before being recalled to prison, and during that time I lost access to my phone and contacts. I’ve written several letters since I’ve been back in prison, but I don’t know whether any of them have actually been received and it’s really stressing me out. 

My biggest fear is that he may think I have abandoned him and don’t care anymore, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Not being able to explain myself or reassure him has been incredibly difficult. When you’re in prison, communication is already hard, and when that breaks down it can leave you feeling even more powerless and alone.

I think about him every day and hope he somehow knows that he hasn’t been forgotten. More than anything, I just want him to know that I still care deeply and that I am trying my best to make contact. 

A Thank you for your letter. 

It’s clear from what you’ve written that this relationship has been very important to you and that the uncertainty around communication has caused you a great deal of worry. Prison relationships can become incredibly meaningful, particularly when there is an emotional connection that means that you feel less alone and understood for who you are. 

In my experience communication between establishments can sometimes be delayed, interrupted, or prevented altogether for several reasons outside either person’s control. The uncertainty about what the issue is can undoubtedly lead to overthinking, fear of abandonment, and feelings of helplessness.

Generally, a few things can help:

• Make sure both people are using the correct full name, prison number, and establishment address.

• Some prisons require prisoners to declare the correspondence or request permission before letters are passed between establishments.

• Letters between prisons are often subject to additional security checks, so delays can be much longer than ordinary mail.

What stands out in your letter is not only your care for this person, but also the distress caused by not being able to explain your situation. Losing contact, access to your phone, and your usual support systems has clearly left you feeling cut off and really stressed. While none of us can know what another person is thinking, it may help to hold onto the possibility that they too may understand how difficult prison communication can be. Silence does not always mean rejection or lack of care.

For now, it may help to focus on what is within your control: asking in your establishment if there are any issues with writing to another prison, continuing to write and maintaining your own wellbeing as best you can. Speaking to support services like the Samaritans can be helpful, as they can offer a non-judgemental ear when you need it most.