Highdown Harry: The early days

Our new regular fiction column tells stories from the life of Harry, who always seems to find himself in some kind of trouble 

I have to admit, being arrested was a bit of a shock to the system. But being tried and sent to prison was an altogether bigger shock. After all, only bad people go to prison, right?

Wrong!

“Welcome to High Down, Harry,” was my initial greeting, and somehow the name stayed with me. The first thing that struck me about my fellow inmates was how normal they all were – well, most of them at least. On our wing we had an ex-MP, a solicitor (very useful for when anyone got a nicking), a couple of doctors and … a bank robber.

OK, we’ll forget about the bank robber then, although he did reckon it was all a bit of a misunderstanding and they were only toy guns. Apparently, he’d been on his way to a fancy dress party when he’d discovered he was a bit short of cash and had popped into his local branch to make a ‘withdrawal’. Quite why he needed 50 grand to go to a party is anyone’s guess, but that was his defence, and he was sticking to it. The judge saw it slightly differently, however, and gave him a 20-stretch…

The Right Honourable Member for South London was an interesting fellow. The case that had brought him to join our little group had something to do with “cash for questions” at the House of Commons, although he always maintained that if he hadn’t asked all those questions on behalf of the Russian oligarchs, then nobody would have done. Seems a fair point to me.

His expenses were a bit dubious, though. I know the public got a bit hot under the collar when an MP claimed for a duck house to be built on his pond, but claiming for a new house to be built for his duck pond was probably taking things a little too far…

And then there was Dave the Bread. He was an elderly guy who was quiet and unassuming, and whose job it had been to give out the bread with the evening meals. He had the unofficial role of wing dietitian on account of what he was in for. I never quite found out all the details, but it seems the press had nicknamed him the Sandwich Serial Killer, although that might have just been an urban myth. However, most people swerve the bread these days, which has to be a good thing, what with all those fattening carbs and things.

There are some proper villains on our wing, though. You can always tell who they are because of the black and white uniforms they wear.

And then there’s me, Highdown Harry, here at His Majesty’s pleasure. If you want to follow my journey through the prison system then be sure to check out my new column each month in Inside Time.

Right, must go, I’ve got a haircut booked with Chopper Charlie. Not quite sure how he got his nickname, come to think of it. Perhaps he used to play football or something…